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OMFGregg

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They Say Rock Shit Doesn’t Rock Anymore…

Few things could bring me out of Blog-tirement but oh-my-gawd this is one of them. Limp Bizkit has been gone for long enough for me to forget how to spell “Bizkit” properly. I make no secret of my LB superfandom in middle school—in fact I still contend that Three Dollar Bill, Y’all is pretty good. And by ‘pretty good’ I mean it’s probably one of the top 5 albums ever.

A reunion a decade in the making isn’t enough for you? That’s nonsense, But I have good news. Lil’ Wayne who legally died 17 times just last week is also featured on this can’t miss hit song.*

*Note: This song could totally miss, it’s probably already missed.

Let’s catch up with what Mr. Durst has been up to in this Post-9/11 World we live in.

Chorus:

They say that rock shit doesn’t rock anymore
They say that whole game done went pop so I’m back in this ho
We drinking gin ‘till we pass out and fall on the flo’
Is that your bitch? Cause she told me she ready to go
She ready to go, she ready to go
Is that your bitch? Cause she told me she ready to go

First of all, Fred, next time please pick a drink that doesn’t sound so much like ‘jizz’. Every time it sounds like you’re saying jizz and it’s already hard enough to take this seriously. Second, white dudes can’t call women bitches anymore. I mean we can when surrounded by our male co-workers. But in reference to a female you’re about to Bed? Ghastly! I am aghast.

Verse 1-Fred Durst

Back it’s the motherfucking rock god
I’m so poker-faced, ladies going Ga-Ga
That’s right it’s Freddy D, the public enemy
You know, the one to have Britney drop it to her knees

The sound/face combo that came from my girlfriend after she heard this part of the song is something that I haven’t heard/seen before and I do not wish to experience it again. I do respect that Fred knows he has to keep up with Weezy’s word-play. It is adorable that ‘Freddy-D’ the ‘rock god’ claims to be the ‘one’ who got Britney on her knees though. Adorable.

I don’t give a fuck, I probably never will
Bitch get at me if that ass is like Jessica Biel’s
Who down with me tonight? You know I’ll treat you right
You shake for me until they turning on them ugly lights
Throw them fingers up, and finger-fuck the sky
She like the way we pump it, I call her pumpkin pie
I ain’t about to lie, I came up in it high
You got a problem and I’ll bust you in your fucking eye, player
Baby you’re a rockstar, I know who the fuck I am
40 million records later, I am still the fucking man
I came to rock, all she wanna do is roll
Now she at my house sliding up and down that pole

I, too, am starting to not give a fuck. Does he know that actual time has passed? Probably not right? Imagine how awesome life would be if you were stuck in 2000 in your own mind before the unpleasantness. You know you really made it in life when your house has a stripper pole because I—like Fred Durst—haven’t progressed as a human being in 13 years (dangerously introspective moment).

[Verse 2-Lil Wayne] What the fuck is up?
Fuck the world, bust a nut
I’m on this and that, and such and such
It’s ashes to ashes, dust to dust, come on
Rock! Rock, rock with a real nigga
Everything I touch turn to gold, she a gold digger
Shots! Shots, shots, have a lil liquor
Got the bitch taking shots like Reggie Miller
Uh, Lil Weezy in this bitch ho
She want the green light-let the bitch go
I go hard, I go nuts, I go schizo
And now they wanna copy me like ten-fo’
Uh, I can’t stop, I won’t stop
I got the pistol on me, I guess I went pop
Now I’m free-falling, yeah, head first
Red hat to the back like Fred Durst

We’re all lucky to witness Lil’ Wayne’s Andy Kaufman-esque performance piece where he just repeats things he has already recorded over and over and expecting everyone to not notice.

[Verse 3-Fred Durst] Lil Weezy that’s my patna, we drinkin’ Russian vodka
Bout to take your bitch cause she ain’t never fucked a rock star
I’m a fucking outlaw, packing me a chainsaw
I’m at the afterparty about to start another brawl
I’m getting fucked up, so you can go to hell
I’mma need a ride home, I know myself
And you know I put it down like no one else
I’m the champ bitch, I ain’t gotta show the belt

Ooooof…at least this means more Wes Borland body paint!

Taylor Swift Goes To Burning Man

Guys, I’m really sorry that I haven’t updated since Jesus’ first-coming (relevant[!]). But in the middle of a big move (down the Turnpike), a new job (that is the tits), and keeping it real (always), I just haven’t had the time. Now let me fucking finally talk about the video (funny aside [Thanks Priya]).

Taylor Swift has caught a lot of flack for constantly writing songs about her real-life exes and putting the dude on blast. Even the voice of no one’s generation Bill Maher suggested that she entitle one of her songs ‘Maybe It’s Me’. But Taylor is mostly harmless and isn’t going anywhere so let’s make amends with her consistency:

(0:24): I have nothing but sympathy for Taylor’s predicament right now, she did something she shouldn’t have done last night (ecstasy or bath salts or OG Four Loko) and she woke up in the desert. Plastic tarps that are clearly covering fresh corpses aside, I have serious questions about the skateboard in the background: who brought it? where did he or she end up? do they want to hang out? where can I get Taylor’s shirt? No matter, Talyor had a really top-notch brown-out that deserves some discussion.

(0:51): She had friends there? Why did they let any of this happen?! Clearly vegans BBQ and wear leather hats.

(1:29): “I just thought how can the Devil be pulling you towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him it was losing me.” Wow, Bright Eyes, chill for a second.

(2:04): This. Was not the song I was expecting after all of that. OK. Of course it was.

(2:21): Dude’s only move is Leo’s ‘I’m The King of the World’. Mad, mad respect. Signed Taylor Swift.

(2:34): This Diner did not deserve this kind of disrespect, children sit in those booths, Taylor.

(2:59): I venture to say that Taylor Swift has never been at this particular concert. I am not sure what concert this is but there are just too many suspenders for it to be a real thing.

(3:20): If you were Taylor Swift what percentage of your time would you spend figuring yourself out in the mirror? By current estimations it is not nealry enough.

(3:22): If you were Taylor Swift what percentage of your time would you spend cowering in the corner of a motel room while some douche does sit-ups? By current estimations it is far too often.

(4:00): “Do you wanna mess with THIS haircut, bro? Well, do ya?”

(4:17): “My name is Taylor Swift and my hair was cut by a sword.”

(4:28): Quick! Someone call the Misfits and tell them that their logo appears in a Taylor Swift video.

(5:38): This was shot at the same place as Kanye’s ‘Runaway’. It had to be.

Donald Trump loses Good

My Grantland Submission

Someone recently asked me what my dream job would be. Without hesitation I said “Writer for Grantland”. So when they posted a challenge to find their next Fantasy Football writer I was, needless to say, ecstatic. They just posted the finalists and—well—I tried. I had a really good time writing this and didn’t think it should go to waste. Thanks to Anna and Priya for editing out the shitty parts. Enjoy, and good luck to the finalists.

Fantasy Island Submission

You start off as Ivan Drago blustery and strong, killing people in your wake, representing all that is mystifying and terrifying in the world. You finish as Ivan Drago, tired and sad, solely responsible for the fall of the Soviet Union, defeated and contemplating honor suicide. This is your fantasy football season.

Last year I overanalyzed prior to draft day. I was stuck with a team full of Tim Hightowers and Roy Helus. I was playing the “Who is Mike Shanahan Mad at This Week?” game every Sunday. Not this year! I am going to have fun. I am going with my gut unless my gut tells me to draft Ryan Mathews. Nobody wants Ryan Mathews

. The Shadiest
RB LeSean McCoy:

I don’t understand anything about LeSean McCoy. The cuts he makes on almost every play are not conceivable in any dimension that has been defined. McCoy just earned a 99 “Elusiveness” Rating in the latest installment of Madden, but “Elusiveness” is not the appropriate term. He simultaneously occupies varying spaces while existing in none of them. He should have a 99 “Smoke Monster” Rating. McCoy is a great pick because his success does not rely on Michael Vick staying healthy. Nick Foles could get Shady over 2,000 total yards this season.

The Old Soul
QB Aaron Rodgers:

Do you know what I do when I am bored by how good a Quarterback is? I draft him. Remember when you suddenly realized that Tom Brady will never be bad, he will just retire. This is where we are with Aaron Rodgers. He is the surest thing in this draft.

Justified Hyperbole
WR Calvin Johnson:

Rolling with the freak-of-nature motif, picking Megatron anywhere in the top 5 does not warrant explanation. Even if my buddy were to pick the real CJ #1 overall I would gasp, but then be all like, “I think I see what you did there, bro. Oh, so it’s gonna be like that, bro?! ” (it is very important to speak in nothing but ‘bros’ on draft day). The worst thing that happens when you draft Calvin Johnson too soon: win the Wide Receiver position every week.

And a Side Of
RB Ray Rice:

It may come down to a coin flip between Ray Rice and Arian Foster, and a healthy gamble in the midst of very unhealthy gambling never hurt anyone. Ray Rice won out for me because he seemed to find himself last year. For the last 4 seasons his Highness of Sizzle himself has tutored Rice in Swag, and it seems to have paid off. Last year Rice more than doubled the amount of rushing touchdowns he has had in any previous season. With an inconsistent quarterback firmly entrenched Rice is the most reliable piece of a Ravens offence since the Browns. It can only help that Rice is no longer subjected to constant second-hand stoning in the running back meeting room.

The Wizard of Wavier-ly Place
QB Cam Newton:

Will your friends make fun of you for taking Cam this high? Sure. Will he single-handedly win you matchup after matchup? Absolutely. There is surprising depth among the second-tier Running Backs this year so you can afford to wait if the elite ones aren’t there. According to the fantasy guru himself, Matthew Berry, more Quarterbacks are going in the first two rounds than ever before. Why not lock up a player who acts as his own goal line back? Ask yourself, “Would I be surprised if Cam ended up with more Fantasy points than Aaron Rodgers?” You wouldn’t be, so man up and take him. Last season I missed Cam by 1 Waiver priority spot and therapy is only now starting to take root.

Sleeper
RB LeGarrette Blount:

Punching deserving white dudes notwithstanding, Blount’s talent has never been in question. While drafting Blount last year was a Todd Akin-caliber mistake, this year you take none of the risk for the same potential output that you were expecting last season. Sure, he disappeared for snaps, quarters, and then entire games last season. Blount still busts out an ESPY caliber razing of entire defenses whenever he wants to. He just needs to want to. This year Blount is challenged by Doug Martin who may motivate Easy B to be more consistent. The bottom line is that I don’t think Martin is Tampa Bay’s answer at Running Back so I want Blount on my bench.

mittandrob: .@mittromney Thank you for signing into law the permanent ban of assault weapons in MA in 2004. You should be proud & campaign on that. — rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 24, 2012

mittandrob:

Tom Corbett and The Second Mile

Mom: “It’s really not fair to the kids, everyone involved is either dead or in jail.”
Dad: “Or Governor.”

Even though the NCAA is a joke, even though I kind of think the Freeh Report is a conspiracy on par with the JFK assassination, even though I had a very deep affection for Joe Paterno’s curmudgeoness, despite all of those things I think the sanctions that the NCAA handed down were fine. They certainly weren’t fair, every Division 3 college has 20 different conspiracies that someone is withholding to save face. I have worked for two different colleges and I have heard some shit that if Joe Paterno was involved would blow up the University System as we know it. But whatever it’s like Kima said in The Wire “It’s your turn.” Any argument that Penn Staters could have made (and there are legitimate ones) went out the window the second that the new school president signed off on the penalties. Some things are bigger than bowl games.

OK, put all that to bed now, there is nothing I could do about it even if I wanted to and I don’t. But this fucking Tom Corbett guy what the fuck is his problem? (I have tried writing intelligently about this but I can’t, it’s impossible, I have Tom Corbett is the worst OCD. Come on—Please, stop talking about Joe Paterno and start talking about this guy.)

What you should know:

1977: Jerry Sandusky helps to found The Second Mile, a children’s charity.

1995: Tom Corbett was appointed by Gov. Tom Ridge as acting Attorney General for the State of Pennsylvania. A condition of his appointment was that he could not run for reelection in 1996 which is weird but apparently fairly common (wiki’d). This is important because, to be fair, he could not have been in office for the 1998 charge on Sandusky.

1998: Jerry Sandusky is accused of child molestation for the first time and it is investigated by University Police but no charges were filed despite Sandusky admitting he bear-hugged a boy in the shower.

1999: Sandusky “retires” as Defensive Coordinator of Penn State. (Note: I remember how confused everyone was by this decision as it was common knowledge that Sandusky was next in line for Joe’s job.) He maintains his University Status and is allowed on campus with The Second Mile kids.

2004: Tom Corbett is now elected as the Pennsylvania DA

2008: Corbett begins the 2nd investigation of Sandusky, Sandusky informs the Second Mile that he is being investigated.

2009: The Sandusky Grand Jury begins hearing testimony.

2010: Tom Corbett begins his gubernatorial campaign. This is the fucked up part. Corbett accepts a $25,000 dollar donation from The Second Mile. Corbett accepts thousands of dollars of donations from Second Mile board members. The Second Mile board chairman throws a fund raiser for Tom Corbett at his house.

Dramatization of what happened when someone found this out:

That Person: “So Tom, wasn’t it a little dicked up that you took money from the organization that you were investigating at the time?”
Tom Corbett: “UH, NO. Because…no.”
That Person: “Could you expand on that?”
Tom Corbett: “They would have figured it out”
That Person: “The people who already knew that you were investigating them would have found out that they were being investigated? “
Tom Corbett: “Yeah.”

2011: Now Governor Corbett releases 3 Million dollars (which again, to be fair, was initially approved by Rendell) to the charity to begin construction of The Second Mile Center for Excellence, basically a gymnasium/dormitory/possible rape dungeon. From what I have read Corbett was completely within his rights to withhold this money and actually did for a short period of time.

For a fiscal conservative this guy seems to be pretty bad with money. He had a sure fire way out of spending 3 million dollars so he could look at it or whatever people do with their money and he didn’t take it (25,000 reasons this makes sense). Instead he gave the money to an organization with an obvious lack of institutional control who enabled a sexual predator just like a certain state-run university.

In retrospect it is surreal what the wrongdoings of one man can do to a community, a college, a state. If one year ago someone could have predicted the downfall of Joe Paterno, the most powerful man in the state of Pennsylvania, that person would have been Tom Corbett. Maybe it is time we brought down the 2nd most powerful man in the state.

(Source: sportsbybrooks.com)

How Many of Your Guns has Obama taken away?!

Was it zero? or was it less than zero?